Still healing.

After all that had happened, I just want to take some time to breathe. Yup, again it is about marriage. You can’t get married when the other person does not want to due to certain circumstances. But exactly how long are you gonna wait for the perfect timing? When is the exact perfect timing? I sat down and thought about it.

I have even sacrificed my own dream wedding because there are too many conflicts between families about how the wedding goes, the date and everything. We aren’t going to hold any celebration, yup, I gave in to that. Even though I am pretty sad about it. Yet we are not going to get married yet because we could not get his parents’ blessings. Again we are postponing our marriage. I AM DISAPPOINTED. I AM SAD. I AM HURT.

So, I just want to take some time to heal. To be alone, I don’t want to hear anyone giving me opinions or suggestions on how should I handle this or any other noises that don’t even understand me.

I want to be alone. To allow my tears to flow down my cheeks without wiping them off. To feel my heart aching so badly. I just want to be alone with my broken heart. Tonight, I want my heart to beat like normal instead of suffocating it.

I don’t want people reaching me, I don’t want to be contacted, I want to switch off my phone and deactivate facebook. I don’t want unwanted calls or texts or any pictures related to marriage/wedding flooding on my timeline.

I just want to be alone to heal myself, allowing myself to feel everything that I want to feel and been fighting for. I promise you that I will be okay one day. And on that day, I will wake up with a smile on my face and be joyful again.

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Yes, I will.

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Hi,

A million of words and faces have run across my mind. Sometimes I wonder what you are doing and how are you feeling. Despite being busy, I wonder if you feel the same emptiness like I do throughout the day.

Every temptation to text you gets too much and I will have to bite it back and tell myself that no good will come from it.

People tell me that I should let go of you instead of hoping that we are back together again. I want to tell you the truth. The truth that I have meet so many people, but it is you that I cared the most. I have so many other options, but it is you that I chose. Honestly, I have too little courage to tell you. But in your silence, I have already found my answer.

Today, I am writing to tell you that I am letting you go. I have decided to let you go not because I have stopped loving you or I have found another. For as much as I want to help you, I want to help myself too. Since you are no longer holding unto us, I want to be selfish now because it is the best for me.

Time spent with you was never about troubles, disgrace or disagreements, but instead a moment that I will miss. I know God has bigger plans for us. If God wants something huge from me, I must be more willing to let it go. If losing contact with you is part of God’s plan, I’d rather not hear anything from you. I gave you to God because I know God will be able to fix what is broken than I do.

So, please understand that if I do not send a text, it doesn’t mean I do not care anymore. I would say I still care very much. I’ll love you for accepting me to be your girlfriend and inspires me to become a better one. I’ll love you for the short period of companionship and friendship that we have shared. I’ll love you enough to let you go so that you could do more, feel more and be more than the person you could ever become than being by my side.  I’ll always pray for your happiness like how I pray for mines.

I can write the saddest lines tonight. To think I don’t have you, to feel I have lost you. I chose not to. I choose to give you up for God. And these are the last lines I will write for you.

Tonight, this is my parting, my reluctance and my final gift to you.

Tonight, I am letting you go.

Yes, I will.

Close your eyes, seal your heart and let it go.

But I do.

At 12.30 am….

I look at you as more than what you are to me currently. Because to me you are everything. Everything I’ve ever wanted but mostly because you treat me as though I matter. As if my opinions and everything I want is important to you too.

And that’s what love is.

But I can’t tell you I wanted to marry you today or now. I really do.

I can’t tell you that every night before I go to sleep I think about you and wish you are sleeping by my side. I think about you when I’m at work and looking forward to be in your arms everyday. I think about you when I can’t get through the day without wanting to cry. You are home to me and just hearing your voice reminds me how that feels.

And when people ask me if I will be getting married soon I tell them no. Because I don’t want to be the cause of pressuring you or myself. Even though we mean so much to each other, it doesn’t mean that we have to be together now. I can’t even tell you what’s going on in my mind and my heart because I don’t want to look like as if I am rushing into marriage or pushing you into the marriage.

Sometimes we’re meant to meet someone who takes our breath away but not being able to start a new life with them right away. And it’s unfair. It’s so unfair that we are surrounded by their beauty but we can’t touch them. We can’t tell them how much they mean to us without giving away our secret. We can’t let them know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together so badly. That we aren’t separating anymore.

We can learn so much from each other but only if we keep it to the capacity that it’s at. And I’m not risking everything to tell you my feelings because I don’t feel as though we’re on the same page. And that’s okay. It’s okay to not be exactly at the same moments in life. It’s okay to not feel the same way.

But let me tell you something, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done to keep my mouth shut about this.

Because I can feel myself breaking. I feel my tongue waiting to betray me. To tell you that I am so completely into you. To tell you that I want to marry you right away. To tell you that I wanted to build a family with you. That I am so completely enamoured by everything you are. And it has nothing to do with outward beauty and it is everything to do with the gorgeous soul that lies deep within you. And what’s crazy is you don’t see how stunning, how captivating, how incredibly amazing every piece of you is.

So our future looks like this. We keep things the way it is. Because even though I want to marry you, you and me are nowhere near ready too. And I don’t wanna talk about weddings or marriage.

And if we ever did cross paths as husband and wife instead of lovers, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

You are the ultimate. You would be my ultimate. So maybe we’ll end up together or maybe we won’t but all I know is this; as long as you exist in my world, I’ll be happy. No matter what capacity. I will still love you ❤

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She.

She wants to believe that love will find her. When she found the one, she wants to marry him. She wants to believe him.

But it’s hard to keep her hope alive because every time she sees the glimpse of a beginning, everything ends. She is going to have a hard time keeping her expectations high because she is just too disappointed by you. Whenever she gives love a chance, it backfires on her. She ends up being disappointed and sad again.

And when everything comes crashing down around her, she feels like a complete idiot. Because she should have seen it coming. She should have known it would end this way. She shouldn’t have gotten excited like some naive little girl.

To be honest, she still feels the pain as intensely as if she was being betrayed. She can’t even enjoy a good thing, because when a relationship is going well, she can’t trust you and your words.

Marriage is suppose to be a beautiful thing but things have became too sour. She is sick of dating or wanting to get married. She is annoyed when people brought up about weddings or marriage, or maybe she has given up on marriage.

She probably wouldn’t attend any of these celebrations for this year. She is just too broken.

Now she truly believe that one is enough. Though it may sound like a denial, she now believes that each of us is good enough, for ourselves, to the point that being alone should not hinder us from leading a joyful life.

Because the absence of a significant one is just a situation, not a death penalty.

Enough for now.

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Words.

“What’s wrong with postponing the celebration?”

After all of our conversations, I became more and more disappointed with your words. What is exactly “keeping your word” means to you? To me, words hold immense power and emotion for us. Words can win the hearts and minds of people to a cause, or send somebody crashing to the depths of despair.

You always asked me if I am ready for marriage and that you are really ready for a commitment. You should probably ask yourself if you are seriously ready for marriage. Now that you tell me you want to postpone the marriage because there are lots of issues we haven’t sorted out. So what do you mean by you are ready for marriage but wants to postpone the celebration? Are you seriously ready for a marriage? Haih.

When you tell someone that you will want to get marry soon, it’s a big promise. A promise that is so easily thrown around. A promise that means a lot to someone.  So what made you say that you want to marry me? Whatever it was that made you feel the need to say it, just know that you didn’t have to. Any girl who is in this situation will tell you they would’ve rather you didn’t say it in the first place instead of giving them false hope. Because that is what this is, you have given me false hope. And the problem with giving someone false hope is that you will never know when is their last hope.

You know it is better to stay silent sometimes than creating a storm in someone’s soul. I know that you are just a human being. You have a heart, you have a mind.. But so do others. Do not say something that you don’t mean it. Do not promise the moon if you can’t even catch the stars.

Just stay silent when you don’t mean your spoken words. Because outside is a spring, and it is a shame to create autumn in someone’s soul.

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What are words if you don’t mean them when you say them?

 

Don’t give up on your passion.

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No matter where you are now or what problems you are facing, I hope you didn’t give up. The journey to your dream isn’t gonna be smooth. Sometimes you are gonna encounter a detour and you will be confused. Sometimes you are going to be lost and discouraged.

But obstacles and rocks are part of one’s journey. No one is exempted from feeling the pain. Life may get ugly sometimes – but that’s okay.

What’s important is how you pick yourself up after a fall, how you become a better person after making mistakes. I hope you don’t get tired and quit now. I hope you can see how much you have conquered and I hope you realize to see how lucky you are.

I pray that you won’t let go of your passion because of one failure. Be the person who is excited about everything. Forget about what people think about you. Laugh as loud as you want. Talk as much as you want. Show the world how big is your heart.

I hope you don’t get scared to become who you want to become. I hope you own your dreams and be proud of them. Don’t be afraid of taking chances because not every decision in life is safe. Sometimes you have to risk it.

I hope you do what you are passionate about. Because the best feeling in the world is being successful in doing what you love.

Stay with your passion and don’t give up.

I am bored.

I don’t have much to do at home. No work, no studies, and just plain resting. Maybe I should start counting ants again.

What’s your favorite thing to do when you are bored at home?

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Gonna read this book and share my favorite quotes from this book. This book is rather a good book about two person who is not afraid to try to love despite challenges in their lives and the fact that first love doesn’t last.

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You are my favourite person of all time.